Let Go
by the-right-words
Summary: Peeta finds out it was all for the games.
1. Revelation

Everything is over. The Games, the interviews, all the terror, being so afraid… it's all finally over and we are on our way back home. Not to those fancy Capitol apartments but District 12. It's only been a few weeks but due to all the things that happened, it feels like it's been an entire lifetime since I've been home. This whole thing has been so unbelievable and I never thought that I'd set foot on District 12 again, that I'd ever see my home, my family, and my friends. But I am. I'm going home, I'm going to be safe again.

I look to my right and smile at the sight of Katniss beside me. Not only am I going back to District 12. I'm going back to District 12 with her, the girl I love, and somehow she managed to open her heart to me, too. Despite the horrible things we've been through these past few weeks, we still managed to find love. All of this is so surreal. I take Katniss' hand, play with our fingers, and smile at her.

"What are you smiling about?" she asks me, punching my shoulder.

"I don't know. I'm just really happy I'm going home… with you," I say, grinning. I can feel myself blushing.

"Oh, haha," is all she says, forcing a small laugh. She doesn't look at me anymore but she didn't stop holding my hand.

Weeeell, I wasn't expecting that reaction. What did I do? Is what I said wrong?

Suddenly, the train stops. A voice with a strong and silly Capitol accent announces we are stopping for some fuel. "You may go down the train if you wish," the voice says, "You have one hour to enjoy the sights, get some fresh air."

"Come on," Katniss says, pulling me towards the door.

I don't refuse her invitation. We go down and as soon as the wind blows, we feel great and free again. We walk by the tracks. There are a lot of plants and flowers growing by it and I realize that this is the perfect time to make it up to Katniss, if ever I did something that upset her earlier. Maybe I was too cheesy or pushy awhile ago? Katniss goes around and looks at the trees and ocean, and I bend down to pick some flowers. Well, I don't really know if they're flowers. They're pink-and-white though and they look pretty good.

"What are you doing?" Katniss asks, leaning down on me.

I give her a small kiss and hand her the flowers, "For you, Ms. Everdeen."

She laughs and says, "Thank you." She kisses me on the forehead.

I sigh. A happy sigh. She isn't mad at me, I didn't do anything to upset her. She looks pleased with my offering, actually. But I wonder what's troubling her… or maybe I'm just over thinking this whole thing. Maybe nothing is wrong. She's just probably tired. We keep walking, hand in hand, just quiet. It's a strange silence but…

"What's wrong?" I blurt out, not able to handle it anymore.

"Nothing," she whispers.

Silence. Just silence afterwards, with a mix of suspense. This is killing me. Suddenly, Haymitch appears. He puts his hands on our backs and says in a low voice, "Great job, you two. Just keep it up in the district until the cameras are gone. We should be okay," and he heads back to the train. What is he talking about? I look to Katniss at my side and she looks absolutely paralyzed and afraid.

"What does he mean?" I ask her.

"It's the Capitol. They didn't like our stunt with the berries," she says, not looking at my eyes.

What? "What are you talking about, Katniss?" I say, confused.

"It was all too rebellious. So, Haymitch has been coaching me the last few days. So I didn't make it worse," she says.

Suddenly, a picture of Haymitch telling Katniss what exactly to do and say flashes in my head, "He's coaching you? But not me," I say, my voice rising a little.

"He knew you were smart enough to get it right," she says, a tiny bit defensively.

Get what right? "I didn't know there was anything to get right."

I think about this whole thing. They've been keeping secrets from me again. Why am I always left out? And what is she saying about getting things right? What was there to perfect? The thought of Haymitch coaching Katniss runs through my mind again. All this time, they had some strategy worked out. To help us win, maybe. But I didn't know. A harsh realization strikes me. Perhaps, the Katniss I know isn't the real Katniss after all. Maybe it was all this stupid strategy, this stupid plan.

"So," I begin again, "What you're saying is, these last few days… and in the arena, I'm guessing… that was just some plan, some strategy you worked out with Haymitch?"

"No… I mean…" she stammers, "I couldn't even talk to him in the arena."

"No, you couldn't," I say, "But you knew what he wanted you to do, right?"

She doesn't answer. I am brought back to the Games. All the times she took care of me, all those kisses, all those hugs, all those nights we spent sleeping together so we can protect each other from nightmares… that was a lie? And all those things she said in interviews about how she couldn't live without me and that she was desperate to keep me with her… that was part of a strategy too? All of this was a lie? All of this… all of my happiness… is just a lie?

I let go of her hand and manage to say, "It was all for the Games. How you acted." It hurt to say that, but it's the truth.

"Not all of it," she says, gripping onto the flowers I gave her.

"Then how much, Katniss?" I say, my voice rising a little, "No, that's the wrong question, forget that. I guess what the right question is… What's going to be left when we get home?"

"I don't know, Peeta. The closer we get to District 12, the more confused I get," she says, quietly.

I wait for her to say more. To tell me that she does love me, but she's not sure how much. That she will find a way to love me, maybe. That she will figure all of this out soon. I wait for her to explain to me everything, to not hide all the secrets anymore, if there are any. I wait for her to say more. I wait for her to say anything. But she doesn't. She doesn't know what she feels, she doesn't know if she's ever going to work this out. But I do. I know that I love her, that I care about her. She knows that, too. But I guess that isn't enough for her.

"Well," I say, trying to be strong, "Let me know when you work it out."

I walk back to the train, not even looking back to look at her again. She doesn't even chase after me or scream my name. She doesn't ask me to stop and come back. I'm that easy to get rid of, huh? But why would it be hard for her in the first place anyway right? It's not like what she felt for me was real. It's not like she was happy and in love. She's not me. I get on the train and Haymitch is just sitting on the couch, drinking. We look at each other for a minute, in silence. He's just looking at me blankly and I give him a cold look and retreat to my bedroom, slamming my door.

I take off my clothes and lie down on my bed. I try not to think of anything, especially about the situation right now, but it's so useless. Soon enough, I am thinking about all we've been through in the arena. I thought it was all genuine care, love and sympathy Katniss showed me. I thought it was real love. But no. She was probably thinking I was some dead weight she had to carry around for her sake. To give a good show. Just to survive. I probably do owe Katniss and Haymitch my life… but was this the only way to allow us to live? To lie to everyone in Panem? To lie to me? The tears follow and soon enough, the heavy feeling in my chest, the numbing pain all over my body come… and I drift off to sleep, desperate to escape the pain all around me.


	2. Letting Go

I'm back in the arena.

Katniss holds out the berries and we're trembling, but we both understand that it is what we need to do. Our backs are against each other and we count to three, agreeing to eat the berries at the same time. Before the deadly nightlock berries touch our lips, we hear the voice of a Gamemaker, shouting, telling us to stop and drop them. We are the victors of the 74th Hunger Games. We're alive and getting out of this hellhole. Joy and disbelief rush through our body, and Katniss and I cry, kiss and hug.

The scene quickly changes to the victor's interview. Katniss talks about how she loves me and couldn't survive without me. She couldn't imagine living without me. I believe every word and say the same things, about how she saved me, about how madly in love I am with her. We hold hands, we cuddle, we kiss, and the Capitol audience goes wild. They couldn't get enough. I couldn't get enough. The girl on fire is who I want and who I have.

Again, the scene changes and we are in District 12. I recognize the houses, the people, and the smell of coal everywhere. Katniss is at the other side. I feel a rush of happiness go through me. I run and run towards Katniss and she's going my direction as well. There's a huge smile on my face and I can hear her giggling from afar. She's still a little bit far away, but I just keep on running. Suddenly, my legs feel heavy. I look down and see that I'm being pulled down by quicksand. I panic but Katniss just keeps running towards me. She'll save me. But why is she still smiling?

Out of nowhere, Gale appears in front of me and opens his arms. Katniss leaps into them and I watch them kiss each other, so in love. Kids run towards them, giggling and screaming. The three kids all have brown hair and Seam eyes… their children. They're all hand in hand now, playing, while I start to sink faster. Only my head isn't sunken. I start to scream, "Katniss, Katniss… help me!". She looks at me and bends down, "Katniss, Katniss!" I scream again, "Help me!"

She begins to cry and say, "Peeta, no, don't sink yet, don't leave me…" and I feel relieved. She's going to help. I smile at her. But then, the look of sympathy and care disappear from her face. She stands up and starts to laugh. Something about that laugh was so evil. So… mean, "Hah, you really are gullible and stupid," she begins again, "Why would I ever save you? You don't mean anything to me anymore," I panic and say, "No, Katniss, please..." I begin to sink more and only my eyes and forehead are above the earth. Katniss laughs again, with Gale, and the kids, being carried by Haymitch now, point at me.

"You worthless piece of trash," Katniss screams, kicking my head hard. I've completely sunk, only the sound of laughter from Katniss echoing in my head. I pass out, probably dead.

Pitch-black darkness. That's all that's left.

* * *

I wake up, panting and sweating. I realize that it was all a dream. I sit up and put my head on my knees. I can't stop shaking. It felt so… real. How she could throw me away like that, so easily. I try to get my breathing back to normal. I've always slept beside Katniss. I'd protect her from her nightmares and she'd protect me from mine. My nightmares were always about losing her and she was always there to wake me up and hold me. But I guess I should get used to it now. When we get back home, my nightmares will turn into reality. We don't need to keep the act up anymore, so the affection will be gone. We have different lives and our own families, so our communication will probably die down, too. Everything's going to disappear.

I'm going to lose her, lose everything. But I don't think that's the case. She has her mother and Prim, and never have I doubted her love for them. She'll probably start to hunt again, too, despite her being so incredibly rich now with the victors' wealth. I can already imagine her disappearing into the woods, with her bow and arrows, with her partner, Gale. Gale. She has him, too. Some person started spreading the both of them are just cousins, but I know that's going to die down quickly, too. They'll find a way to end up together, Katniss and Gale. Besides, I'm sure Katniss' heart really belongs to him, never really mine. So I guess that's it. I'll be Peeta Mellark, alone, angry and bitter.

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself," I say to myself. I stand up and put fresh clothes on and I sit down on the chair by the window. I just look out and appreciate the view. The next time I'll see the "outside world" again will be during the Victory Tour and that's still weeks away from now. I just stare blankly ahead. Lots of time pass, I think, just looking at the view. I heard several knocks on the door. Capitol servants and Avox people tried to see if I'm doing okay. Effie's screamed at the door for me to come out and get ready. I ignore them all.

After awhile, another knock comes. A voice says from outside, "You're going to have to come out of there sooner or later, boy," It's Haymitch.

"Go away," I scream, frustrated. I'm sure Katniss told him I knew already.

"Just open the damn door!" he shouts again.

"No!"

"Stop being such a big baby," he says, kicking the door.

Does he really expect me to be okay with all of this? "I said, go away."

I hear nothing for awhile but then I hear the door unlock and open. I don't look back, still focused on the window and views. I'm pretty sure it's Haymitch. "Boy, you can't escape this reality," It is him. He puts his arm on my shoulder and I flinch, shoving it away. I don't want him to touch me, and I certainly don't want to talk to him. I'm sure he can't talk properly anyway, so that's a good thing. The whole train is probably bugged with cameras and recorders from the Capitol, and he wouldn't be stupid enough to reveal here that everything was just an act.

"Look at me," Haymitch orders.

I look back and sigh, giving him a cold stare, "What do you want, Haymitch?"

He looks at me, and then the ground and says, "Fine. We'll talk when we get back."

I nod and look through the window again, listening to his footsteps on the way out. All I can see are coal mines and trees now. We must be near District 12.

"You're gonna want to come out now, kid," he says, "We're almost there."

* * *

As we approach the train station, I get out of my room, finally. I can't avoid them forever, as much as I want to.

"You're finally out!" says Effie. Here it comes, "You didn't even eat yet! You can't do all of this with an empty stomach! There will be cameras, and people are going to ask questions! Oh, it's going to be so tiring! You're going to have to look your best and feel good and-"

"Effie," I cut in, a little bit too harshly, "I'm alright. It's going to be alright, okay?"

She looks at me with a sad look, and nods. I walk towards the door and I see Katniss standing there, too. We haven't spoken ever since I found out about their plan, their lies. We look at each other and I give her a slight nod. I look away from her, but I can see from my side she's still looking at me. I just stare at the door, not looking into her grey eyes. Finally, the train stops. We're home, we're finally home. I can hear people from outside the train. Our friends, our families, even people we don't know… they are all dying to see us. I'm nervous, and I still feel sad and angry, but now is not the time to let my team down. There are probably a hundred cameras out there right now, and I realize that I'm supposed to look happy, so unbelievably happy… and in love.

I hold Katniss' hand and she looks at me, confused.

"Are you sure?" she whispers.

"Just this one last time," I say in a low voice, "For the cameras."

The train doors open and we get down, finally stepping foot on District 12 again. Everyone is screaming our name, cheering us on, and waving. We're both smiling so wide, showing everyone how joyful and in love we are. As people take our pictures and take videos of us, we just stand there, hand in hand, grinning. I probably look like I'm having the time of my life. But the truth is, I'm dying. As I hold onto Katniss' hand so tightly, I'm crumbling inside because I know I'm going to have to let go of her soon… and I'm afraid I'll never hold and have her ever again.


End file.
